Tuesday, June 16, 2015

giving up the ghost

Life doesn't always afford us the opportunity for closure. So when it does, I like to take advantage. Is it necessary? No. Does life carry on whether or not we get the chance to say our goodbyes? It certainly does. But I've noticed that when changes come and a relationship or circumstance of some sort has run its course, for me, personally, I enjoy reflecting on the impact said thing has had upon me and my life; saying thank you, I love you, I wish you well - you know, that sort of thing. It's with that spirit I write these final two posts.

This blog has always been about my spiritual path. It's been my version of celebrating the steps I took along the twists and turns of the peaks and valleys of my individual soul's unique set of joys and challenges. The thing is: my spiritual path, my identification with the role of a seeker has been winding down now for quite a while. Don't get me wrong: my devotion to the Divine is nowhere near gone; in fact it's quite the opposite. My love for God and my desire to be swallowed whole in that Being-ness has never before burned this hot or bright. And it's this commitment to waking up to my true nature that has somehow squelched the urge to chronicle this journey.

This is a journey I'll be on for the rest of my life; the depth of which I doubt I'll ever comprehend. But something inside has woken up. This Consciousness of which I'm made and whose nature I'm beginning to realize as my Self has taken over. And because my separate self has really begun to be clearly seen through, I can't speak of my personal story anymore with the kind of belief and conviction that I once did. Since I posted last, over this past year or so, there have been many, many findings of spiritual gold that have occurred in my world that I considered coming here to share. There has been loss, despair, great happiness, courage shown, hard truths told and authenticity lived. So many rich experiences! And yet there's been something inside saying, "Shhhh. Keep quiet."

Why? Because there is a power inside me that knows that in the memorializing of my personal story - the sentimentalizing of the so-called good or rejoicing at the transcendence of the so-called bad only serves to keep this ego-mind propped in place. And that is in direct opposition to my greatest prayer - Self-realization. Which brings me to why I'm here: with my desire to identify as a separate Jeff-entity slowly dissolving, the need for this blogging platform has also come to dissolution. There's no interest anymore in keeping the story afloat, if that makes sense. With all love...its season has passed.

The story of myself as a separate me in search of God, making progress in my daily, earthly affairs (or not) is nothing other than a thought in Consciousness. It's a ghost story I've been telling not only for years, but lifetimes. "I" don't actually exist in the way the mind imagines - in fact, the mind can't even touch It - and it's the stabilizing of myself in the truth of that recognition that calls me now. Yes, I still behave as a person. I still get irritable with the cat litter, I still crave certain foods. There are still karmic habits and tendencies and preferences that arise. But there is an alive space witness to it all - and I am That! Thoughts and reactions still come, but they're believed in and "stick" to the Consciousness less and less. The highest, most precious gift! Given by the grace of God alone - for which I am unspeakably grateful.

The path I travel now is so inwardly-focused and so silent, so subtle and personal a thing - even if I were inspired to share it - who would or could share this satsang?

No, it's time I keep quiet and let the mind cook in self-inquiry.

What is this Self that perceives joy and disquiet?

What is this Presence in which all things pass?

What is this Awareness that is aware that It sees?

And What sees even that?

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