Thursday, May 2, 2013

a flash of light that lingers

From out of the heavenly blue sky, I found these words posted on my Facebook timeline yesterday by none other than my ol' sweet Silas"Even though we don't talk all the time, I'm at ease with the world knowing you're in it. :)"

It's startling what good such a small string of words can do for someone's heart. The truth is I'd just been thinking nearly identical thoughts about him not two days before. As I've been dating more and trying to cultivate relationships with my gay brethren, I've found it more and more tiresome as I've gone along.  Just about every one of the connections I've made have wound up going nowhere. Either I meet someone, we hit it off and have a good time, only to be completely blown off later upon our parting of ways, or when chatting with someone and genuinely attempting to get to know them, it's revealed to me slowly - but quick enough - that the conversation has been nothing but a ploy for sex, or I'm given nothing to work with, save for monosyllabic greetings and comebacks. 

I'm not here to complain or lament - only to report the activities of this mindstream. And I have to be honest: it's been spinning mixed stories of self-righteousness (I would never treat anyone the way I've been treated. How superficial they are, how thoughtless!), self-pity (What's wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone like me? Why does everyone get to have a 'someone' and not me?) and loneliness (I'm all alone and I always will be...and that's a bad thing). Most of the time, in my most sound mind, I have no doubt that there is a Higher Plan. I have no doubt that there are priceless pieces of gold strewn all along this path I'm on, with every man I meet, every frustration and every tear. But every now and then, in spite of what my Highest Self would have me believe, I get caught listening to the mental voice that speaks nothing of value, creating an inner drama that need not be.

Midst this tantrum that's been going on inside the past several days, a great, renewed appreciation for Silas has been born. Even though we weren't each other's perfect match, without a doubt, that man brought me such good fortune! I wonder if I had never met him if I would have opened up as much as I have. I wonder if instead of meeting Silas back then, I'd met the kind of men I've been meeting recently, would I have the increased confidence that I do right now? Would I have the same degree of hope?

Because I do have hope. And I do have confidence. These passing moments of doubt are just that - passing moments. I'm aware enough to know that if I am my most authentic self, if I am honest, if I am kind, that I can't go wrong. And if God sees fit for me to be without a romantic partner for now - or the rest of my life - I couldn't make the Universe more proud and that I'll have no doubt been spared for something better. I don't know what these dudes' deals are. It's their stories about me or life or love or sex or whatever that keep them away. And I can't begrudge them their stories. We all have them. This post is one of mine.

I just wanted to come and share my gratitude for what my friend gave to me as a boyfriend in the past and as a friend in the present. Our history and our bond - despite its changes - continues to bless me, even now.

I echo his sweet words. Not because they're sweet, but because they're true. Knowing that Silas is out there - a person who saw good in me and encouraged it, even as I was strange and awkward - gives me an ease about this time and place and culture that we live in. He loved me. My time with him is vibrant proof that there are men out there with sincere hearts, amiable and true. And that maybe, just maybe, there will one day come along another, willing and able to love me just as bright and loud.


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