Monday, April 22, 2013

wearing in my big boy boots

Last night as I was going through the folder for my geology class, I came across the printed return tickets to Dallas that I had stuffed in there before I left to visit Ambrose. I admit that it made me a little sad. I would have been leaving Ohio today, and his little blue house.

It has been interesting for me watching the mind and its array of reactions since what went down, went down. On and off, scenes from that mental movie continue to play; unasked for and uninvited, they come...all the conversations I had with him on the phone, lying in bed with him skin to skin, that beaming look on his face when I first met him at the bus station, the hug we shared when saying goodbye, the sunlight through my closed eyelids as I sat on his front steps waiting for the cab.

I was sitting outside a little while ago smoking a cigarette on this gorgeous spring day and I noticed the mind scrambling around, searching all over inside itself for traces of anger. It made me smile, the lunacy of the ego. Sitting in the warm breeze, alive, relatively healthy, blessed...and what does the ego do to give thanks and enjoy this moment of grace? It goes looking for trouble. It actively, purposely went through all its mental files pertaining to this episode of its life, searching for a reason to be upset! How insane is that!? But what I also noticed - and celebrate! - is that it wound up empty-handed. There is simply no anger to be found. In fact, when I look, I can't find much of anything unpleasant or displeasing. Just disappointment at the loss of a connection with a shiny someone that I love...only that.

I thank God for bringing inquiry and meditation in to my life. Knowing what I know, I cannot ever be torn up or enslaved by the mind's deviltry again. Upsets crop up, yes. Mental quirks and "dysfunctions" still abide. I can still get lost, temporarily confused. But what I can't do any longer is identify with the storyline in quite the same way. I'm not as attached to the personality. I don't take my mind's stories for who I am. "Jeff" and all the "events" of "his" life are appearing in the I AM. The former depends upon the latter - not the other way around. There's a capacity that's been born to stand as Witness to the mental happenings taking place - and I observe them with what I would call love. As I've heard Byron Katie put it, once the snake that terrified you has been clearly seen as the rope it is, you can stand over that rope for a thousand years and never make yourself be scared of it again.

I think that snake/rope phenomenon is what's going on here as I sit and reflect on my time with this man. I've clearly seen what a gift I've been given. I was given the truth. I didn't have to like it. I didn't have to know or understand his motivations. I just needed to be clear that what Reality was presenting me with was kind. And by some grace, I was able to...and am. I asked God to wake and grow me up. And here it is. Little by little, I'm being answered.

Life keeps flowing onward. I have another first date with someone in a few days. My friends surround me. My family is here. I'm not alone. The Universe has my back. Regardless of whatever happenings come to pass, I'm held.

So, Wholly Spirit, tell me, what now?
Let's do this, You and I. What next?

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