Thursday, April 18, 2013

like ninjas n' shit (pt. 3)

I've read and heard it said that in the state of existence between physical lifetimes, souls gather with teachers and guides as they go over the lifetime just completed and work together on a plan for their upcoming incarnation. Before entering a new physical incarnation/personality/mind-stream, there are certain parameters put in to place, certain circumstances destined to be encountered for the sole purpose of learning lessons and the working out of our individual karmas, bringing us that much closer to Awakening. And to aid us in our journey, we have a family of souls that work with us, and we with them from lifetime to lifetime, playing countless different roles with each other in this earthbound theater-school. It's an idea that's always resonated with me, true or not. It puts challenges in a new light and gives you a new perspective on the ancient, timeless, relationships we have with the people in our lives. I've also heard it said that the people in our lives who frustrate us, challenge us, and hurt us the most are the ones who offer us the most and richest opportunities for growth - and I really get that. As frightened as we may be by them, or as despised as these individuals may be by us here and now, on the Other Side, it's these very souls who are our dearest, most treasured friends.

Whether those things are true or not, I don't know. What I know for sure is the Presence of Here and Now. What I know is that my power lies in this moment. What I know is that as I sat on the front porch of this man who I'd fallen head over heels in love with and cried for feeling like a fool, and cried for the loss of something wonderful that apparently I had never even had, I knew that if the above scenario was something we had set up beforehand, that if on the Other Side, this is a Best Friend come to shake me awake to the Heart, then now was the time to be living what I knew; it was time to rise to the occasion and act like the awakened soul I want to be. Now was the time to exhibit love, to practice what I preach. Now was the time to cast aside the egoic sense of victim-hood. Now was the time to exhibit the kindness that Reality would expect from a conscious human being. 

As a conscious human being (which I do not take credit for, btw; any moment I'm able to have presence of mind is a gift of Grace, as far as I'm concerned) in that moment, after I prayed and Acceptance came, I could see that all really was well. I knew that nothing brings you freedom faster than accepting what the Now brings your way. I knew that everyone, including Ambrose, is doing their absolute best given what they know and believe in the moment. I knew that Life does not have to show up the way I want it to in order for it to be giving me exactly what I need. I knew that regardless of whether this was one of those karmic situations set up before birth or not, the truth was, this dear man was giving me the most precious gift.

So I went back inside, went to the bathroom, came out, and asked him for a proper goodbye. I hugged him tightly. With pure heart, I thanked him for his honesty. I told him that I hope he has the happiest life and that he finds whatever his heart is looking for. And I mean that. I thank God that I had the peace inside me then to say goodbye to him because it was a meet-up too sacred not to treat with respect. I can't shake the feeling that we did meet for just this reason and that when we cross paths again someday in that Heavenly Place, we're going to give each other high-fives and celebrate this little chapter in our lives. 

What is this gift I say he gave me? In a word, Love. He gave me a safe space to be myself. He was present with me while I laid out my fears, allowed me to be naked. He showered me with compliments and affection. He encouraged the telling of my truth. He welcomed me in to his heart, in to his home. He had gifts waiting for me on the coffee table when I arrived - which brought tears of joy to my eyes, the thoughtfulness of it. He made me laugh. He gave me this time of practice - in being myself - and finding out that when I do open up, I actually DO survive! Imagine that! 

On the bus ride home, I happened to get a text from Silas, who I'm still in touch with from time to time. He informed me that he had just got dumped...again. He was feeling angry, full of self-doubt. I couldn't help but smile at Spirit's adorable timing. Knowing that what I'd be inspired to say to Silas is exactly what I needed to be saying to myself right then, I'm certain that's why God led him to reach out to me when he did. I texted him...I texted us...and said, "There are a billion varieties and combinations of what people are looking for. Don't let the few of the millions that you've encountered start you to doubting your worth or appeal. The fact that one guy, or a string of them, doesn't feel that you're their "one" does not diminish who you are or what you have to offer." I know the truth of that with all my heart. 

Equally as important as all of the nice-feeling gifts that Ambrose gave me are the parts that hurt. Ever since this happened, I've been watching the mind scramble around for a reason why he put an end to things. I watch it demand and grapple for an explanation. "I'm not sexy enough. I'm too weird. I'm too intense. I'm too poor. I'm too boring. He doesn't like my body." The truth is that what's in his mind and heart are none of my business. I won't lie: I was mad; I was hurt. I had a pretty (albeit imagined) future that was dangled in front of me and then was ripped away. It was a mind-fuck of the highest order and my ego got it's ass kicked. But that's an illusion that seldom takes me under anymore - and when it does, it's not for long. I'm on to the mind's tricks! I won't let it tell stories that rob me of the beautiful time that I got to have with this man. I might not like how it ended, but I won't let myself see him as anything less than a friend. Like I said in Part One of this post, I came to the party because I wanted to be there. I felt that impulse to move towards love and I followed it. And I'd do it again. I lost nothing.

I'd do it again because it only solidified my knowing all the more that Who I Really Am is untouched by circumstances or the rejections/opinions of other people. I'm still standing. My heart is still beating. I still radiate love that some lucky bastard will drink up gladly someday.

I love Ambrose, I do. We got it right, he and I. We were honest, vigilant, ruthless. We were brutally ourselves. We were fast. We were gone.

We were like ninjas n' shit.


  1. Footholds in the mind. I could almost feel you reaching for and finding them as you described them, those sanity savers. Peace, my brotha.

    1. And peace to you, my sista. Thanks for journeying with me! <3