Monday, March 18, 2013

hear my heart and hear it well

The last several weeks have been exciting and incredibly nerve-wracking for me in that I've jumped back in to the dating scene. I've started putting myself out there again. I don't think there's anything that could be more fascinating for me or more essential to my growth at this point than this process of introducing myself - who I honestly am and who I honestly strive to be - unabashedly to my fellow gay men, in this deep and murky pool of potential suitors; it's a feeling, both dangerous and sweet.

For the longest time after splitting with Silas I told myself that my wisest course of action was to chill out, go solo, live my best single life and continue cultivating the kind of life and being the kind of man I'd be proud to have and be. Which is what I've done. I've not reached that mythical place yet. I'm on my way, though - happily and contently (which really suggests I actually AM "there" - but I'm talking about my life situation and the changes I'd like to see made). The "trouble" with going solo is that I haven't had any sparring partners to challenge or test me. I have my friends but they don't offer the same kind of training that "scary, judgmental strangers" do. To be a light in the world, which is my ultimate intention, I have to face it and engage with it and learn to be at peace in my skin midst all of those ideas and people that it contains. So yes, while I love the idea that I'd find a romantic partner to grow with and cherish - which I welcome and look forward to - that's an outcome that is out of my control and therefore none of my business. All I can do is put myself out there and let the Universe usher my someone to me...if there turns out to be a someone at all. 

Man, it's a rollercoaster! High on the endorphins of "what could be" to the not-so-high of realizing that nothing is going to be happening here. The high of being found attractive to the not-so-high of being brushed off by another. The high of making someone laugh to the not-so-high of having someone disappear altogether. It's definitely a ride! I have had some fun, lovely times. It hasn't been all bad, by a long shot. What challenges me, though, is the vulnerability it takes to open up and announce who I am. What frightens me are the images of the past that come to mind, the times I was abandoned or ignored or made fun of for simply being who I was - and that has happened recently as well, more than once or twice. But shockingly, and blessedly, the snubs haven't stung as much as I would have imagined, as much as I have feared. Like Byron Katie says, when something or someone does not show up in our lives, or leaves when we'd rather they be present, we have been spared. And I believe that. God/Source knows who is in my best interest and if someone doesn't stick around to get to know me, if someone's inner story tells them I'm to be avoided for whatever reason, then I've been spared of someone incapable of noticing my greatness - and both of us are better off. 

Instead of hurting me and making me doubt myself, which is exactly what used to happen pre-Silas, I'm more determined than ever not to be diminished in my heart by a perceived rejection from some guy(s) I don't even know. This is my take: someone is either going to recognize my majesty and join me where I'm at - a smoker with a lacking wardrobe, worn out tennis shoes, no car, living with his grandmother - and love me as I journey forward, or I am not the least bit interested. 

So gentlemen, listen up. Hear my heart and hear it well. I will not bend to satisfy your expectations. I will not pretend to be or think other than I am or do. I will not play mind games. I will not apologize or defend myself for my perceptions or my opinions. I won't belittle myself by subtly trying to convince or manipulate you in to deciding that I am indeed worthy. My inner sense of worthiness, my value will no longer be based on how I imagine you perceive me. I hereby take my ass out of your mental business and come back home to mine. I believe that someone will come along who adores me for exactly who I am. I believe that someone will come along who will be as in awe of me as I am of him. No attempts to mold myself in to who I think I'm wanted to be will be necessary. I will go out and introduce myself and tell my story honestly, and if you don't like it, if you can't roll with it, them keep on walkin' my brothas.

Please know that I don't say these things with arrogance. I don't use words like "majesty" and "greatness" without the knowing that each of us are crowned with the very same divinity. I announce it this way knowing that other people have plenty to teach me. I announce it knowing full well that I have much work to do, much to ride and sort out. I'm open! I am willing to be shown - I intend to be shown - my darkness, the places I need improvement. I'm so willing to be enlightened to what I don't know. I announce it in this way simply because as someone who has spent the majority of their life hating themselves and fearing what people think, sometimes it takes a grand proclamation to settle, cement it in your soul. This is the practice. Ultimately, I do this mating dance with these men not to find the love of my life, but to practice the knowing - over and over and over again - that I already AM the love of my life. Knowing that is everything!

Seriously, dudes, you can take me or you can leave me. It's none of my business. As long as I don't leave myself - and by that I mean as long as I am consistently and wholeheartedly faithful to the truth of who I am - on this rollercoaster and beyond...I'm gon' be just fine!...Golden!

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