Saturday, November 10, 2012

the push

Perhaps not all friendships are meant to last. Perhaps people come in to your life, offer you what you're in need of receiving, and then leave in perfect order. The truth is I don't know what's up with you. Maybe you're busy or maybe you're just not interested. Maybe we weren't as close as I imagined us to be in the first place - I suppose that happens with the insecure and lonely, both of which I am...sometimes. What I do know is that I've reached out to you with heartfelt messages and for whatever reasons, you've brushed me off and my feelings are hurt. I'm a big believer in being straightforward, being honest, and sincerely trying to connect with people that you care about. AND at the same time, I'm afraid of writing you or calling you and being met...again...with what feels to me like disregard.

So I'm doing what I do in times like these. I'm writing your soul this letter so that I - my soul - can share with yours what I want for it to know. I want to let these angry, resentful ghosts that have been living inside me all these months have their say so that I can say goodbye to you and get on with the business of loving you as the friend I used to know. 

I met you at a stranger's birthday party. I was there with my boyfriend, you were there with yours. You guys had met and befriended my boyfriend a few months prior, and that's how we'd all come to be there together that night. Dude, I liked you instantly. My practice with becoming more social was brand new then and I was terrified to be there, but you introduced yourself and made me feel so much more at ease. You were very good at that. Very friendly, very charming. That seems to be your way. I walked away from that evening thinking we could end up really good friends. And we seemed to be. Even after I broke up with my boyfriend, you and I kept in touch and hung out a few times. My ex told me later he thought that you and your partner ended up liking me more than you did him. Though I didn't quite believe it, I loved it might be true.

What I want for you to know is how sincerely I loved knowing you. I loved our private conversations, hearing your philosophies, your take on God, on love, on being present. I loved how you'd confide in me, the fact that you trusted me with a more vulnerable you. I loved your encouragement and that you'd speak out loud the things I secretly held about myself inside. I loved that you could see the goodness in my current self, as well as my potential. I loved the warm nights you guys would have me over to your beautiful place downtown and how we'd sit in lounge chairs, drinking and talking, with the tall buildings towering around us, bathed in the lights and sounds of the city...and the moon. I loved listening to the two of you sing, a happy witness to your harmony. I loved the way that you would insistently, brilliantly challenge me, the way you'd call me on my bullshit when you detected the subtle ways I'd try to hide - before I even saw them myself. I loved your enthusiasm for life, how free you were, and I admired the heights to which you aspired.

I had such high hopes for our friendship. I think I could have learned a lot from you. I was willing, if not a little slow. That's what hurts: that I thought I'd found a long, sturdy friend in you. And the fact that you're quiet towards me now feels so personal.

I admire you fiercely. You are kind, sexy, bold, independent, funny, in a loving relationship, and in a career serving others. You're all the things I aspire to be. And what I gathered from you, is that you felt I am, and could be, those things too. I can't help but imagine your silence towards me means that maybe you changed your mind, that somehow now you feel that you were wrong in thinking the best of me. Which is so crazy and none of my business! The problem is that I doubt it in myself and that's why it hurts when someone I admire so much is seemingly confirming my self-doubts. But ALL of this is story!  I have no way of knowing your reasons and I have to let go of trying to figure them out - which is partly why I write this letter: to let all of this go. My job is to keep doing my best and to go out there - and in here - and start cultivating the qualities I was imagining only belonged to you, which is wrong. In fact, I believe that's why you showed up in the first place. Looking back, I think this is exactly what you came to give me: clarity, about who I am and what I want for myself. You provided me with a real-life display of what someone living the traits I admire lives like. I got to see what a person living traits I admire looks like in the physical world, played out. How rich! How tempting! My soul says, "Yes, this is what you've been looking for! This is the kind of energy and circumstance you're capable of living yourself!" You were a living, breathing example of what my life could look like if I would live more faithfully to my ideals - and that is such a huge gift!

If I ever did anything to offend you or lead you to believe I wouldn't make a good friend, I'm truly sorry. I'm not mad at you and I want you (me) to know that. Just sad and disappointed. You owe me nothing - but I admit that for some time now, inwardly, I've been harboring the attitude that you do - time, an explanation, a goodbye, friendship. But it's just not true. You gave me plenty. I realize the outer world reflects our inner world, so I can clearly see my part in why things would go down between us the way they did - I own that. And owning it, I can change it.

I said earlier that I thought I could have learned a lot from you, but I'm seeing now that I already did. Thank you for being my mirror. Thank you for whispering to my heart what I needed to be reminded of. Thank you and your partner for the fun we had, for all the memories. Thank you for letting me get to know you for a little while. Thank you for your faith and imagined disregard. Thank you for the push.

I am about to burst on the scene - just like you said. I love how you put that. But more than that, I love that I can see it too.

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