Tuesday, May 15, 2012

the year of silas

Forgive me if this all seems silly to you, whomever happens to be reading this. I can't shake the feeling I've approached this whole break-up in the same manner as would some sad, 14-year-old girl. But in my defense, Silas was the first person I had a real, physical, intimate relationship with - and by physically intimate, I'm not talking sex. Sex has been had. It's the boyfriend connection I'm talking about. He's the first person I had visions and real-world plans with. Yeah, I know I'm 30, shut up. :-) Like with most things in this life, I guess I was just born to take my time. Eventually, though, I get there. I did getting together with him...and I will letting him go.

The letting go is what's been so hard. It's happened in fits and starts. It's been a process of both feeling that, "All is well," and "This fucking sucks." It's been a roller coaster of emotions, a ride that I wasn't at all expecting. I naively - and at this point, laughably! - assumed that my intellectual understanding that all thoughts and emotions are temporary would somehow shield me from actually feeling whatever unpleasantness would happen to arise. As if my spiritual insight would automatically skip me ahead to the peace and wisdom that was bound to occur from such a trial. Wrong! While it's true that that knowledge is helpful while going through rough times, no one is exempt from having to actually feel the feelings. How arrogant I can be!

The other night, Emily asked me what I have learned from my time with Silas, and I've been pondering the answer ever since. I think one of the most valuable things I took away from Silas is the true recognition that I don't have to change who I am in order for someone to unconditionally love me. To discover this is huge! - I don't have to change; I don't have to pretend. I am worthy just as I am...just because I am. I opened up to Silas in a way I hadn't with anyone before. My fears, insecurities, physical and emotional flaws, and just my overall blend of weirdness - none of it sent him running. To find this acceptance from someone is a very special gift. One of my greatest joy-killers is my tendency to compare myself with others. But he was always there telling me to stop, reminding me that my only job is to be my best self. "You do YOU" he would always say, and with such a boldness - I couldn't help but laugh and believe him. He looked beyond my silliness and hesitations and saw the "me" that I am underneath all that other crap, the "me" that I was after. He saw that man and spoke to me about him often. Just thinking of this puts such a smile on my face.

Another treasure that I found was the experiential recognition that people who come in to my orbit are 99% of the time people I will love having there in one capacity or another. I used to think people were scary and judgmental - and of course, everyone is in their own way - but I somehow thought things would be awkward and difficult, a useless crowded nightmare it felt like. It's funny how what I imagined would happen seems vague to me now. Proven wrong every time. He helped pull me out in to the world and I got to practice knowing that I CAN be social and that people are LOVELY to get to know. What a privilege to be with someone that was patient enough while I began to piece this all together!

Silas allowed me a foundation to practice what I preach, an opportunity to experience things I'd dreamt about, to redefine myself. He gave me a chance to try new things, meet new people, open up, and just be love(d). It's all a spiritual practice and it's benefits are endless as far as I can tell. So much about life is revealed when you welcome it. That is what's so brilliant about Relationship. The other person shines an enormous spotlight on all your inner bullshit. The things you try to hide are exposed, and even things you aren't aware are in operation appear, able to be seen crystal-clearly. To be in a committed relationship, to do it right, takes balls.

I've alternated between being furious with him for moving on and finding someone new, to experiencing genuine admiration for his willingness to accept Life's invitation. But as I've written this and I see all that I've been given, I can't help but feel happiness for the new guy in his life. He is blessed and lucky. The anger I felt just a few days ago is gone. Silas was the perfect boyfriend....and now someone else gets to feel that too.

I'm proud of my time with him. Grateful, too. I was introduced to Life in a broader way. That, my friends, is something special, and is someone to be honored. I've told him what an angel he was for me. I hope that inside he really heard me.

That forlorn 14-year-old girl may just linger, who knows? I'll let her hang out for a while, it's cool. She'll be gone by and by.

For now, I'm going to douse myself in the cologne he never liked - and enjoy it because I do. It's time I honestly breathe in - and fully feel - this fragrant notwithhimness...











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