Thursday, May 10, 2012

what is built can be torn down again (and what's torn down can once again be built)

I am always receiving your prayers. I am always listening, always watching over you. I can see you've crept a little too far in to the illusion and are once again in need of an invitation Home - and so with pleasure, I am here, like I've always promised you I would be. You need to have this come from a source outside yourself? You need to think this wisdom comes from other than your very own heart? So be it. I will play along. How I love to play along!

You are feeling sad right now, I know. I understand. You're feeling as though you've lost something very special. Not just a significant love relationship but a group of friends you'd come to know and grown fond of. Believing there to be no other feasible options, not taking the time to inquire, and too impatient to sit in the uncertainty, you set out to burn bridges, you erected walls, you resorted to ancient behaviors you'd assumed were long ago buried. You pushed them away. You told them goodbye.  

Now, I won't step in and tell you that how you've handled things is wrong. But I do encourage you to honestly look at your behavior and decide whether or not it serves you. Let's investigate this, you and I, and see what's really going on here. 

You met a man, you had time together, and when you sensed that it was no longer right, with sincere heart, you ended things, and life went on. Just recently he found someone new, and through a chain of words spoken and feelings felt, and a genuine love on both your parts let's not forget, you knew once again that it was time to part ways...for good. This goodbye hurt in a way you'd never known before. Images appeared and assumptions arose, visions of what life would be from now on caused in you quite a panic. It was not just the young man you grieved, but all the friends you'd made through your time and relationship with this man. Relationships you'd forged through this association now seemed lost to you and gone for good. It caused in you a great anxiety, but in not allowing yourself to feel it, in not questioning it, you acted with an impetuousness that you now regret. 

Friendships are very dear to you. In all of their forms, they have always been something that you've treasured. And after all of these years that you've spent keeping friends away and refusing to make new ones, now that you've finally opened to the idea again, it hurt immensely for you to imagine that all of these new connections you'd made would be lost. But instead of trusting, instead of waiting to see, and instead of asking, you gave in to the fear rushing through your veins and you closed up again, tossing them aside - you did it kindly, you did it the best way you knew how, granted - but it was a tossing that took place nonetheless, let's be honest. It was a tossing that gave not even one of those souls a chance to prove your fearful visions wrong. You're feeling lost, lonely, and ashamed. You're feeling that the relationship with the young man as well as all of the new friendships you've spent this past year developing have been obliterated in a single night, and that all of the progress you feel you've made has been in vain, that you're back at square one, forever destined to be alone. Have I got this all right so far? 

Now, let's shed a little light on this.

First, let me remind you that a connection made can never be broken - for the simple fact that there is but One of Us here. I use your dualistic language because it's what your human mind and world are based on, but in actuality, there is only one Thing - one wordless, concept-less thing happening here - and it transcends polarities. It - Me, You, All - gives rise to polarity. So though a seeming coming and going appears to take place, remember that at your core, nothing is ever separate and that includes you and the ones you feel you've lost. I understand that you can't hold that young man's hand anymore. You can't see the smiles and hear the laughter of these people you've come to care about in the exact same way, but their essence is with you, even as they were before you physically met. But even this we need to take a look at. You're operating under the assumption that nothing can be salvaged. Have you even tried? Have you called? Have you written? Have you sent a text of explanation? You're wont to make tragic stories of situations without taking the time to consider that maybe these other players aren't reading things the way that you are? Could it be just as likely that the sense of finality you're experiencing is in your mind alone? I'd like to suggest that it could be so. I know at the moment your pride keeps you from entertaining the thought, but just be cognizant of the fact that it is you who have put this separation in place. It is you who blindly acted on your stories - and it is you who can investigate their veracity. I know the young man has been let go of in your mind, but what of the others? Yes, the young man was the catalyst for bringing this group of people in to your experience, but the bonds you made were between you and them, and had nothing to do with him. It was your willingness to receive them and it was your willingness to give of yourself that allowed these friendships to be formed. And this brings me to my next point: you, my precious one, were willing to receive them. You were willing to be yourself, to show up, to rendezvous with life. You repeatedly made the conscious decision, again and again, over this last year to feel your fear and do it anyway. Over and over you were willing to cast aside the notion of who you'd practiced yourself to be, and attempted - successfully! - to define yourself in a new way. Do you get that? Are you able to see the miraculousness of the work you've been up to? Countless times you sat in the anxiety and let it burn. You sat in your fear and touched the Stillness of your True Self and saw that you were capable, safe, and very okay - and you went on with your fun. This is not a small thing, my friend. I don't want you looking at this one night where your mind got the best of you and allow it to color your impending future. I want you to look at the whole picture, your life story, and acknowledge the Grace that's been unfolding.

Things have changed, I acknowledge that. The dynamics you were living just a few short months ago are over now. All of the things you imagined, the outings, the people - as it stands in this moment, those just weren't meant to be. But since when does change have to be a bad thing? Since when do goodbyes take anything away from the Wholeness of Who You Really Are? It isn't, and they don't. Hear me when I say, there is not one aspect of your life experience that is out of order or that is unfolding in a way that is not to your utmost benefit - this, I promise. Not one speck of dust, not one beginning or ending of a relationship, life, or love - not one single happening in this Universe is taking place in a way or in a time that is not divinely ordained. It often takes a real openness and a stillness to recognize this fact...but it is a fact.

So, build these walls for now if they make you feel safe. Cry for the friends and relationships you feel you've irreparably damned. Because tears dry and all walls eventually come tumbling down. Just know that as you do these things, there is no real need to suffer and no real loss. Do it consciously. Don't identify with your character in this passing storyline - that is the only "mistake" you could ever make. That is what perpetuates this illusion of being lost and separate. For all of this is a passing dream, and you know this. It's the beautiful, mysterious Leela. Who You Really Are is the pristine, unchanging Awareness that lies beneath all phenomena.

Cherish this chapter in your life, praise these angels who shook you even further awake. If you use this experience as the teaching and reminder it was intended to be, then not one moment of this year, not one friendship that was known, was lived or made in vain. The clarity that was inspired, the love that was felt, the nudge towards further enlightenment will forever be with you. And let me tell you, the nice thing about goodbyes is that they allow you the opportunity to say "hello!" again - something you may just find yourself saying to these very same souls someday.

Oh,  my love, you are so very, very far from square one! The furthest thing from being alone! Your sweet innocence brings me tears of joy and laughter! And one day, much sooner than you think, you'll see the joke we've been playing on "each other"-

and you'll be laughing just as I am...

as I AM.


  1. lovely! touched my heart and brought me to tears......i love you..... *tay tay

  2. Thank you, Tay Tay, so much. I'm really glad you liked it!