Thursday, March 1, 2012

freedom in structure

I love knowing that there's not a goddamn thing I have to be or do in this world. What freedom! How refreshing!

It's been seven weeks since my classes began, the semester just about halfway over. And it took up 'til this week - I'm surprised it held out so long - What is this? Progress? - for me to have my first genuine freak-out. That moment that comes where I begin to doubt myself, where I begin to wonder what the hell I'm doing. I curse myself and wonder why I'm wasting my time and energy. I wonder what the hell's the point.

It's a phenomenon that occurs once I've elected a course of action. It's been this way for as long as I can remember. Whether it's a job, a person, a social-something. An inner storm arises and rages. One of fear, obligation, enslavement. Voices of ineptitude rise up. The notion that there's no going back. The idea that I've made the wrong decision. The anxiety is paralyzing, and I most always project these things on to the situation and the people involved until I scare myself so much - and in such a variety of ways - that I quit and run away. These life decisions that I make call forth one venomous and gnarly mind-stream accustomed to attacking itself.

On top of my school work, I recently started the Power 90 program again - which takes some dedication to working out every day, and staying conscious of what I eat. And with all of this, I find myself following a routine of sorts that for the past few days, began to feel a little jail-like. The egoic chatter, "But I don't WANT to do this. I CAN'T do that. I DON'T KNOW HOW to do this." It's very loud. Very annoying. Very dream-defying. And very un-true.

As I laid on the floor in frustration, the mind trying to come up with a myriad of new escape routes, I was able to sink down in to Presence and find shelter there.

This shelter I find sometimes, this Presence, it tells me so many things. Always blessed with reminders, I'm given so much. I'm reminded that life is meant to be fun and full and rich, nothing to be endured, nothing to dread or want to flee from. That I am free in any given moment to walk out the front door and never come back. That I am free to take these books and set them on fire if I want. That I'm free to stick in my mouth whatever sweet, fried, poisonous thing I choose, that it's my call. That my inner world is my domain, my own holy kingdom, and that if I'm experiencing anything short of straight-up bliss, it's up to me to straighten out - because not only do other people not have the power to change my experience, it's not their responsibility or, even less so, their desire. That truly, there is not a soul outside me that cares how I experience the days of my life as strongly or as sincerely as I do. That at some point in the future, who I think I am will be dead and gone, and these dramas that I concoct for myself will evaporate, gone forever, their insignificance apparent, none of it mattering much. This Presence, it encourages me to get real, and to ask myself: Why are you doing these things? Why, exactly, are you in school? Why, exactly, are you trying to get fit? Who are you trying to impress? Just what are you trying to accomplish? What experience, what emotions are you going after? This Presence, I like to call it God, suggests that any reason that feels stressful, any reason that has me feeling enslaved, is a clue - a bright, shiny, blessing of a clue that tells me it's not something that's sprung from my heart, it's something I'm doing based on fear and/or the perceptions of others. What moves me, what exhilarates me as I keep going, as I live these days - only that is true and worthy of my time. There are no have-to's in this world. It's never about anything or anyone else. To believe otherwise is a mistake. It's innocent, but confusion, still - which I'd be wise to remember the next time I start getting pissy with the circumstances before me.

As I answer these questions for myself, as I get real with what I'm doing, as I sit down to study, as I sweat my ass off working out, as I love the ones I love, it's clear to me that it's ALL because I want to. There's not one instance of my being coerced. Just imagine! I'm here because I want to be. And if the time should ever come when that's no longer true, I can always choose again. There are never any chains - I love knowing that! I do these things because they make sense right now. I do them because I'm the only one in charge, the only one able to save me, the only one that cares like I do, the only one that's listening, the only one capable of knowing my Joy or feeling my High. Knowing this, how could I ever see myself as anything less than free?

1 comment:

  1. You are so good at the turn around, and seeing your experiences from many levels. That is so rare and wonderful in a world where it is too easy to lock ourselves in one way of thinking.

    I am reading Erin Brochovich's book, "Take it from Me: Life is a Struggle but You Can Win". She had a really hard time with school because of Dyslexia. When she was going through her worst time her father sent her a quote that seems appropriate to leave here because it is so true: "Press on. Nothing can take the place of perserverance. Talent will not. Nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not. Unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not. The world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. This slogan, "press on," has solved, always will solve, the problems of the human race." --Calvin Coolidge