Friday, January 13, 2012

upon further reflection

I typically don't turn to my writing in times of distress, because focusing on the problem only begets more problem. This is not a space I come to complain, or to speak of life's misfortunes, for the simple fact that I believe in the power of our thoughts and words. I believe that what we focus on, increases. And the more often I'm able to remember that, the better off I'll be.

Since I published my last post, though, there's been a feeling nagging at me, suggesting that maybe I didn't live up to that ideal yesterday, that maybe I was a little too whiny or negative. I don't think those thoughts accurately represent me, and it's just not what I want to put out there. Because all of my so-called troubles are only stories. Stories that disappear when Grace would have me investigate them. While it's true that certain stories appear from time to time, and it's true that I get swept up in them, there are other truths just as compelling, and probably much more accurate, that are far worthier of airtime.

So I'm balancing out what I left here yesterday, from a calmer mind, and with more stories equally as true, if not more so:

The fact is, I am doing AWESOME. As a friend pointed out to me, I am in uncharted territory and there is no map for me to follow. I have been doing the best I can, the best I know how, and I am right on schedule. My success is staggering. The idea that I've made no progress is ludicrous. I had a great first semester back to school. I finished a social skills training class. I've reconnected with all my friends this year, made new ones, went out and had fun. I rendezvoused with Life - and that's all I wanted to do. It has been a successful year. And that's all there will be in the future. It won't ever look just the way I hope or imagine it to, and that's cool. That It is there at all, that I am there at all, is what matters. The Rendezvous is what matters. The openness to All of It is what matters. Not the way it looks or the time it takes to unfold.

I'm going to stumble from time to time - and after each (ultimately) insignificant fall, I will stand myself right up again. I will never have the answers, and that's okay. All I need, is to be cool with that. And Life has shown me time and again that I have that capacity.