Thursday, January 12, 2012

shaken, stirred, and settling

Two weeks in to the new year, and I've given no real thought to resolutions. Usually, I'm excited by this symbolic time of change, struck giddy by thoughts of all the potential paths my potential selves might possibly embark upon. I eat that stuff up. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's wandering through daydreams. The harnessing of them, that's another story - but one that doesn't serve me in the telling of I'll refrain.

Instead of looking towards the future, though, I've been looking back at the past - the freshly complete holiday season, specifically - and am grateful the flurry of all that social activity is over. Don't misunderstand: I had a blast. Every invitation I accepted, every connection that I made, every night of fun with friends will long be treasured. But in order to have those experiences, those nights, I had to endure the hours and days beforehand that were tainted with nervousness and dread. I felt the fear. I did it anyway. But each time was like the first time. Some times were easier than others...but none of them were easy-easy. 

I attended Nick and Cody's wedding reception, of course. I got to hang out with Emre several times; got to see his house for the first time, and meet his girlfriend. I spent an evening with Emily by the light of the Christmas tree, talking and laughing. The house was full of family on Christmas day. 

The most difficult times, however - and therefore the most rewarding, I might add - were the ones I spent with Silas. The lunch where I met his brother and sister for the first time. The limo ride with several other couples to look at Christmas lights throughout the city. The New Year's Eve party awash with strangers. Don't these all sound like lovely things to do? Don't these all sound like wonderful ways of spending time with a lover? They were. And by the end of each outing, I'm the one wishing we could stay. I'm the one that has found some drinks, nice people to chat with, and am loving the vibe. But beforehand, and for some time after arriving, it's uncomfortable to say the least. The very least.

I'm thankful to Silas for the loving presence he is, for the way he coaxes me out from behind the mental walls I've hid behind. I'm thankful to him for all the new friends he's brought in to my life - for not one person he's introduced me to have I not been charmed by. I'm thankful to him for his patience - and occasional annoyance - as I try to weasel my way out of commitments or a new found world. I love the way he sees Life and goes to grab it at every opportunity - and how he invites me along for the ride. I'm thankful for him. I love him. His Energy.

But as thankful as I am for all he's given, I don't always feel safe. Or accepted. Or like I'm where I need to be...or with whom I'm supposed to be. Or if I'm even making progress at all. As much fun as I always end up having, each time is like the very first time, and I'm getting tired of it. I'm tired of the conflict it gives rise to, both inside and out. When will the "faking it" turn in to "making it?" When will the guard be let down? When will I know what Silas knows? When will the pieces start to fit? When comes that rumored coming-together?

We've broken up, but fortunately, we're staying friends. I'll keep taking my steps. He'll keep taking his. And we'll see what happens.

I need to find out how realistic my expectations are - of myself, of Silas, of life. I've called the woman who led my social skills group. I need to get back in to counseling. Soon.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Jeff. My comment to this post lends itself better to email, so look for that in your inbox soon. Think of you.