I hear that there's a Divinity you're looking for, and are afraid that you've not found it. You've read so many books and have heard countless teachings. You have made your advances. You've taken steps toward, and have humbly welcomed different religions in to your heart and mind. You've opened yourself up, you've prayed for illumination. But in spite of all your searching, you're still feeling lost. And after all this time.
I don't make light of your feeling lost. And I'm not trying to change or make your mind - or save you, not really - as if I had that power! No, you experience what you perceive, and what you perceive is nothing to be argued with. But there's nothing wrong with questioning things. Is there?
Who or what is the God that you're looking for? The Alpha and Omega? The creator of the Universe? God, as ultimate God, ruler of All There Is - wouldn't it seem that that definition of a God would have to be infinite - in-finite, as in, limitless - and wouldn't that include you? How could there be something that the Limitless is not? I don't think there could be, by definition. And is the God you're looking for all-loving, all-knowing - the kind of God you'd want to look for and worship? By that definition, do you imagine that He or She or It would purposely hide from you, demanding certain ways of being, with all sorts of expectation? Sounds terribly human.What could an all-encompassing God need or expect from it's limitless Self? Which you can't help but be a part of, using that definition. What do you fear? Do you imagine yourself to be alone? Do you imagine there is some state of being you need to attain, some place you need to get? Why would that God have you anywhere other than where you need to be? The God that you're hoping to find, fearful that you haven't - do you imagine that He or She or It doesn't know exactly where you are? Don't you imagine that He or She or It knows exactly what He or She or It is doing? Wouldn't you imagine that you're a part of It's limitless Self, completely known and loved for being exactly as you (It) are supposed to be?
I can't ease your worry. I can only ask you what I've been invited to ask myself. I can only suggest that you look at the love (ease of being) you feel in those moments of Now in which you have the presence of mind to simply rest in Awareness, without the stories you're prone to telling - including the one where you're in need of finding God. I understand the desire for answers, for wanting to make sense of things, and the fear that you never will. Those desires appear - but also do they go.
I'm just suggesting that God, the ruler of All That Is - Existence itself, in other words - just doesn't need from you a single thing, and certainly wouldn't want you to be afraid you've failed for not providing it, or for somehow acting wrongly. All that Life (which includes you) could ever need, is provided to Life, by Life, in any given moment. It's a grace that we're a part of. How could the Limitless exist any other way?