Wednesday, August 10, 2011

from me to you

I want you to know that I love you. I want you to know that if you're in my life, whether as my inner circle or as someone I exchange comments and "likes" with on Facebook, you matter to me. The ways may be different; the ways we relate to each other and the ways I show you I care, but every single one of those expressions - no matter how they look - are real. You're here in my "orbit," and days, because I want you to be. I want you to know that I don't take your presence in my life - even if it's in the most seemingly superficial of ways - lightly. I know that you're here for a reason, playing a part in my life more sacred than I could ever begin to understand. You benefit my life, I know this. Even in the occasional trial or fury - every last bit of it is Good.

All that being said...I admit that I do keep you at bay. The truth is, the idea of being physically around you makes me nervous. When the doorbell or telephone rings, a panic arises inside me. When I receive a text or an email, a combination of happiness and dread appears. Happiness, because I'm genuinely thankful for the connection; dread, because I'm afraid that more than my words will be asked of me. Just writing this makes my face grow hot. 

You either come around, naturally. Or you invite me from a distance. And in every case, with every one of you; it doesn't even matter the person - I want to run away from you. And most of the time, I do: feeling equal amounts of guilt and relief. You approach me, in all your different ways, inviting me in to your lives, in all your different ways, and I decline each one of them. Sometimes I'll see you, sometimes we'll speak: but seldom am I comfortable. Ill at ease in your company; your energy drains me. 

Despite my respect for, and adoration of, you. 

In my short time of silence awhile back, I took the time to do a lot of Inquiry. And I realized quite a few things. One of them being, that my anxiety is born of my mind alone, having nothing to do with you or the strangers of the world (whom I've always kind of held responsible). Only my thoughts are responsible. And as soon as I tend to the things that I fear and dislike in myself, my seeming fear of You will dissipate - because it's really not You I'm fearing. Only what I project on to You. It's my self-judgment that terrifies me, and I really see that. But seeing it isn't enough; seeing it does not mean my behavior or thought patterns will disappear. It does mean that I know what to do about them. And I want you to know that I am. I've found what I'm putting between us.

I used to be happy - or...satisfied - with being a seeming ghost. It doesn't work for me anymore. I want to move towards you when you call, not away. I want to open up to you. To All of It. You are not the one I am hiding from. And I wanted you to know that. As counter-intuitive as it is for me to ask, please give me more time. I can see exactly where to go and have already started taking those steps. I want you to know that sooner rather than later, I'll be calling you with invitations of my own, and gladly, gratefully accepting yours. 

Fear makes for a very selfish person. I've not been the best son, grandson, nephew, uncle, cousin, brother, or friend that I could have been. You've reached out to me so many times and I push you away. Not out of disregard; but still, away. A kinder, braver person would have been there for you. If I've ever hurt your feelings or disappointed you in all of this time, I apologize sincerely. 

Just know that I love you...and I'm working on it. 


2 comments:

  1. bless your heart my friend! no need to apologize to me - it's not personal and I know that. I also don't think it's about a lack of kindness or bravery, because I have witnessed large quantities of both in you. I accept you as you are and do not need you to do anything different for me. I bet most of your friends would say the same. So take your time with the unfolding - there's no need to rush or force it. It's already in motion, happening in perfection.
    love,
    karen

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  2. Much love, Karen - thank you. ♥ Already in motion, I like that. It always has been, hasn't it? =)

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