Tuesday, July 19, 2011

until you're mine (i'll dance like i'm old & wise)

I've never thought of myself as a catch. I've never consistently thought of myself as actually being relationship material at all. It's a semi-foreign thought. Seriously. How could I be? The life I've set up for myself isn't exactly conducive for establishing myself as such - so far, anyway. But I've dated some, so of course I've had those thoughts, feelings, and conversations - which have always been enough for me. They still are. But every now and then, I'll think of him and wonder if it was this life we agreed to meet up in, or the next. Every now and then, I like to imagine how nice it would be to have that karmic teacher/teammate/lover around. Yeah, I've thought about him every once in a while, but at my core, I've never been ready; I've known that, so being single has never really bothered me; it's not something I often think about. I've been too busy wrapped up in myself: so busy hiding and wavering, trying to figure things out - doing the things I do. While I've liked the idea of having a partner, I've always approached the subject with a "Cool if it happens, cool if it doesn't," attitude. He's always been a vague, sweet story of the future - and honestly, until he shows up, that's all he can be. But last night, I got the very real impression than he's more than just a dream.

For some inexplicable reason, as I was enjoying the sunshiny tunes of...well, I'll just say it's a pop-country band with a female singer - that's enough info, yes? ;-) ...when I began to have lively, unsolicited visions of he and I together. The song, so light and plucky, swirled around my insides and lifted me off to some alternate reality - and the more I listened, the more intense and detailed the visions became. I saw us doing all of the things I wrote about here. But on top of that, the most bizarre thing of all - was seeing us getting married! The idea makes me laugh out loud! It's nothing I've ever seriously considered. I've never even had a boyfriend proper. I can't even have people casually look at me for more than a few moments without having a strong wanting to pull my shirt up over my head. How could I outlast such a ceremony - let alone a marriage? Oh, but in the visions...none of that was a problem. I wish I could express how light I felt those hours, how confident, how at Home, how connected to the people I love. Everyone was there. Not just him. All my Loved Ones.

It felt good, the dream...and...it's so far away from where I am now. But it felt GOOD and it felt REAL. And it sparked in me something that hasn't been there before - the notion that he really is out there, that I'm not just destined to be alone this go-around, that it's just a matter of time and alignment. Just a shift in spirit is all I need. And do you know why I trust it? Because the joy I felt in the dreaming of it came to me out of nowhere. It arrived unasked for just like the vastness that I experience in meditation, the bodily pleasure and lights that sometimes occur; my time with him and the images of being with friends and family on my wedding day - (Haha! That sounds so funny to me!) - arrived unexpected, just like that surge of Love I felt the night of Simone's wedding - it was more than I could have hoped for. They were gifts I was given that I did nothing to deserve. It was nothing I tried to manipulate in to being. It was so Now-ly real. And that's what this was.

Yes, it could just be a sweet dream like I said. But I choose to trust it, as it were a guide, reassuring. Not just that there's some guy out there, but that Possibility is out there. That I could connect not just with a partner, but with everyone I care about. That I really am capable of such a free mind, such a love, such a day.



"Until You're Mine"

I'll be here and I don't mind
Well, I'll be here, the waiting's fine
I'll be here, where the night sky shines
And I'll be here until you're mine

And I won't lose
Won't lose you

I will wait until it's time
And I will wait for the signal sign
Well, I will wait for it all to align
I will wait until you're mine

And I won't lose
I won't lose
I won't lose
Won't lose you

I will dance and sing in time
Yeah, I will dance you across the line
I will dance like I'm old and wise
I will dance because you're mine

And I won't lose
I won't lose
I won't lose
Won't lose you
I won't lose you
Won't lose you
I won't lose

- Alec Gross

2 comments:

  1. oh my, I love this post so much more than words can say. Life is beautiful! it will be so cool to watch this unfold in its own sweet and perfect timing.

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