Sunday, July 3, 2011

three was all it took

What I really wanted from my seven days of silence was to take a deliberate step away from things like Facebook and "The First 48," so that I could stop brushing the idea aside for once, and actually take an honest step - no, an all out dive! - into Inquiry. I decided, on top of having no TV or internet, that choosing not to speak during this time and having little contact with my family was the thing to do - for the sole purpose of keeping me alone with my thoughts. Alone with thought, as far as I'm concerned, there's nothing for one to do but abide as the Witness (which is who we are at our core) and/or investigate the validity of the thoughts that appear - if the end of suffering is what you're after. And it was. So I did. For hours.

I spent a lot of time meditating - using both the deep meditation technique from AYP, as well as another that I'll write about later. The majority of my time, though, was spent simply looking at my thoughts, attempting to see what is really true for me. Over the years I've spent a lot of time feeling wrong. About who I am. What I look like or how I come across. What I should or shouldn't be doing with my life. I just couldn't seem to make sense of, or find security in, what is so. It was a lot of energy that could have been channeled in to something great - though thinking like that at this point is useless...and come to think of it, who's to say it wasn't?

I'm tired of having split energy. It hurts. Of having such flimsy direction, such shoddy faith. Of making choices (or refusing to) and then wondering how they look to others, how they compare to others, how I fail to measure up to others - and then beating my ass up for it. It brings indecisive paralysis - and it's all BS. There's one Life going on here. There's only one apparent relationship to Source that I need to deal with. So that's what these past few days were for. For jumping in to that. For soaking in the Self. For jump-starting my Inquiry. For seeing what kind of dreams I'd dream if I no longer believed the thoughts that I've been allowing to stand between us. So that's what I did; I sketched those dreams. And then questioned the mind-made obstacles that would keep me from reaching them.

I thought I'd take a week of solitude and disconnection, but last night, on the evening of the third day, I knew that I was finished. I realized that I'd gotten what I needed and I could turn on the computer again if I wanted. I've always known that The Work was an important tool - and it's been useful when I've actually taken the time to use it, but after doing it non-stop for the past few days, I daresay that it's beginning to take hold. I'm so glad I took that Quiet. It's going to be an essential part of my every day routine from now on. Right alongside brushing, flossing, and the breathing of air.

2 comments:

  1. Oh, you mean I'm not the only one picking myself apart at every turn? Good to know! Haha. Nice work, Jeff. Thanks for posting your raw responses. It's touching to read and always makes me ponder.

    Have a great rest of your weekend and 4th!

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  2. Haha! Yup, Sandi, I'm afraid we're not alone in that nasty habit. Thanks for the nice comment! I hope you have a great holiday too!

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