I love the ways that people can effect each other. The way that we're able to touch people and make a difference in each others' lives. It's quite a responsibility when you think about it. It's quite a power. People can be viewed as angels worthy of our most high praise, or feared and hated in those instances where we tell stories about them that would keep us separate. Still others we pay little mind to at all, oblivious or simply indifferent, to the treasures they could potentially offer us. And depending on how we see them, how we treat them follows in kind.
My recent riding in cars with boys - including, and especially, my relationship with Silas - has shown me yet again just how much I tend to see people, strangers in ways that have me treating them in ways I'd rather not. In ways that keep us apart. (Is that really what I want?) Yes, I've met strangers. Opened up. Listened. I've spoken transparently. Sat with the anxiety; experienced it, marveling at who I am in the midst of it. This little dating trip I took has been a success as far as I'm concerned - but that doesn't mean I made all positive strides. In fact, I did a lot of arms-lengthing. I didn't step as far or as lightly as I could have...but I tried - and eventually I will again.
My tries and hesitations weren't enough for Silas, though. And he isn't speaking to me anymore. At first I was sad and then I was pissed off. And now I see that it just couldn't have been another way. With his eagerness and my trepidation, it only makes sense that we'd not last long in each other's orbits. That's just the way of it sometimes. He - and the other dudes I talked to - stirred things up inside, some of it I wasn't ready to look at. But I know it's there and that when I am ready to look again and closer, it will be waiting for me, ready to be seen.
Even though he's ignored my texts, I sent him an email last night - because that's what I do - and I hope that I was able to convey that no matter how short, I think our time together was special. Don't get me wrong, I also told him his ignoring me was wack and effed up, but I also told him that I don't blame him; I can see how I could have led him in that direction. I certainly wasn't blameless. Not by a long shot. After all, how long is a person supposed to wait...for Life?
He was the perfect person to be with me as I took my first little steps back in to the world. He was my first date and partner in years, and he was with me at my first "gay outing." I was messy and a fool - and we had fun anyway. There are many stories I'll tell myself when I think of Silas - but the shiniest and closest to the truth is that he's one of those angels worthy of the most high praise, that in the way that I know how, he's loved.
The effect people have on one another is an awesome thing - it's just not the whole story. It is we that scare ourselves and it is we that move us forward. It's our thoughts about the other - NOT the other. I can't blame Silas or anyone for my skittishness or fleeting feelings of failure. They're only thoughts and they are mine. And until I question them, I won't be able to use my power any other way.