Wednesday, June 8, 2011

back-sliding

For a brief window of time, that I was living in not two months ago, I had a momentum going that had me feeling I could possibly be getting somewhere. In the months leading up to Simone's wedding, there seemed to be a Grace come to call - a mysterious force that began to operate, descending from the heavens, lifting me upward, out of my perceived limitations. I actually felt capable. Not fearless, no - but capable of facing that fear. Capable of existing with the fear, willing to discover who I ultimately am beyond the fear. But that willingness and sense of capability seem to have left me now. Before the newlyweds had even returned from their honeymoon, I'd begun to backslide.

Friends have called and have invited me to hang out. I've been given plenty of opportunities to practice jumping beyond what has been - and I haven't taken any of them. I can't explain it. I feel stuck again and all I want to do is hide. I feel tired. Despite what my mind is saying, how it "wants" to do this and that, in the actual moment of choice, I'm struck with a psychic paralysis that keeps me from doing what my most ambitious self would have me do.

Frankly, I'm a little pissed about all of this inner struggle. I'm feeling a little sorry for myself at the moment. I'm feeling a little defective. But the truth is, I'm being extremely lazy about it, disregarding all of the wisdom I have at my disposal, folding my arms as if I were powerless to see it another way - when I know that's not the case. My bad.

I have the recent memories of how sweet it is when I actually do venture outside my front door. So the spark is still there; it isn't gone. But that doesn't mean it's being kindled.

4 comments:

  1. hey ... me too! until yesterday, I felt so apathetic I could barely lift a finger. I didn't return calls, let work and emails pile up, and just didn't freakin' care at all. I just wanted to sleep or sit and stare at nothing. it felt so weird, but I decided I'd just go with it. well, decided isn't really the right word - I just didn't have the energy to fight it was all.

    but then yesterday, I woke up feeling different again. like life had gone from black and white back to color, for no discernable reason. nothing had changed externally. I tell ya - these inner tides are really somethin'!

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  2. Inner tides - yes! That's exactly what they are. And I think that once you see they're like that, so fleeting, they can't pull you down truly ever again. They really are somethin'! We're given quite a show, aren't we?

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  3. it's one thing to go "out" and be among people who let's be honest, require, ask, need, expect, want and it's another to have peace with the faceless All.
    The way back to the faces, is through the faceless. Walk by yourself, with your Self. Talk to That. Allow your self to be all one ( alone) with That until you feel fed again.
    What we tend to do is feed frenzies of spirit, then we feel full, push away from the table, and run around like crazies giving tossing, throwing, loving, but we've left the banquet so quickly we run out of energy. The trick is to stay at the table, or as I like to think of it, keep myself plugged into That as I'm giving That away.
    It's much more work at first because you're only half "there" when you're giving, but you can do it without collapsing on the bed for weeks at a time. start small. as in a walking meditation around your room as you listen to what the All's commentary about it is rather than the egos. then expand the walking meditation. etc. love you.. hang in there, don't fight, make peace with your self and your Self. they are both You.

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  4. "The way back to the faces, is through the faceless." I love this, Tracy. You're right about it all. I didn't keep myself plugged in. I was so enchanted by all the fear and fun "outside" of the All (not that that's really possible) - that I didn't stay mindful of that connection, the connection that inspired me to greet that fear and fun in the first place. The All's commentary is all I must listen for. Or FEEL for. Beautiful advice, my friend. Thank you!

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