Wednesday, February 9, 2011

exposed

I've been on Blogger since 2009, but until yesterday hadn't told any family members about this blog. Only friends. Partly because I assumed disinterest on their end, but mostly because I wanted something that was just mine. In a sheltered day-to-day world like the one I've created here, with so few comings and goings and with so few departures from the norm, it's easy to become stuck. It's easy to adopt a role, practicing certain ways of being until eventually it's who you take yourself to be. And the ones around you see you and make the same mistake. My Circle can't help but look at me and see who I was before. My neuroses, idiosyncrasies, things I've done before today. Which wouldn't bother me so much were I better established in new patterns of conducting and seeing myself - but I'm still cultivating those. My so-called "best self" is in his infancy. So in the meantime, I just wanted a place that could be as free as possible from perceptions of me tainted by the past. But as I'm typing this, I'm seeing how crazy that is - I have my own! And besides, their perceptions of me are none of my business. As always, regardless of them or anyone, my work is simply to align with my own best vision. That's all that matters.

As soon as the words left my lips, I felt immediate regret for having told someone so near to me that I have this place. I always knew it was out there online and free for anyone to see. I always expected they'd read it someday. And that's cool. I'd love that my loved ones would care to read what I have to say. I just didn't realize I'd feel so exposed at first. I didn't realize that I'd actually question what I'd say when I knew that people so intimately near me might be reading. But a little time has passed, and I know that nothing's going to change. It's still my place and still beneficial to me. I'm still flawed and imperfect. Still amazing. Nothing has changed and it's very interesting to notice. There is nothing that's a secret - nothing that need be hid.

9 comments:

  1. first type of person in your life: doesn't get it. will eventually, but not your job and it's not socially acceptable to write "I need a hug" on their forehead with a Sharpie, no matter how tempting it might be
    second type of person: gets it.
    either way, it's good...

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  2. You are absolutely right!
    Either way, it's good...

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  3. Part of the blogging experience is making a decision about how much you're going to share about yourself and those near and dear to you, and whether you'll include them inyour postings. Once you establish those boundaries in your own mind and heart, the rest is easy. Like Tracy said, either they will embrace you and act out of their own projections and that's not your stuff. You'll probably write with a quick look over your shoulder for awhile, but please don't let that slow you down here. We all treasure what you ahve to say and the way you say it, and the journey you are on.

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  4. Thank you for your encouragement and perspective. It means a lot, Deb. I definitely think you're right. It already has become easier. I'm just going to approach this space as I always have.

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  5. oooh, I resonate with this so much. It's just part of the journey, this exposure thing.

    At first it was a bit disconcerting, like I had been unmasked or something, but after a while, it was so freeing.

    Now I sort of use my blog as a screening test. When I meet someone new and interesting, I send them to it with a disclaimer: what you read there is not all of me, but it's parts of me, and it's pretty out there, and I want you to know about it right up front in case I am too fringe for your taste. I won't take it personally at all.

    I kind of enjoy the efficiency of it ...

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  6. I for one am grateful and feel very priviledged that you have shared. Love you!

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  7. I totally appreciate this - why you wanted your own space and why you eventually decided to share it. Every time I come here I sense this process of unfoldment within you. When I read that post around New Years about the getting rid of things and then the Shutter Fly Album I had this sense you were preparing for something that would unfold this year. You seem to be consciously busting through fear barriers, even though fear may still be present. That is courage, my friend.

    I always feel a sense of vulnerabilty after I write a post, especially since I link them through Facebook. So basically every high school person who thought I was odd back then gets their belief re-affirmed. But ultimately I am not an exceptionally guarded person and I like to write. I don't want to live my thoughts in hiding. If that draws me a bit of criticism that won't make me happy but the alternative is worse - sharing nothing at all.

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  8. @Suzanne: You know what? If you do receive criticism and are perceived as odd - and let's face it, everyone gets that from someone at some point - I still think it's good for us to share our truths. (I am really glad that you do.) Because there are others out there who will see themselves in your light and receive the benefit of your story. For me, that totally makes up for all the others that cannot see.

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