Saturday, January 1, 2011

why all the drama?

I had another great Christmas. The house was filled with family and laughter. And as I sit and recall last Saturday's events, I cannot find a single thing - not one! - that left me feeling especially nervous, inadequate, or out of place. Each of which were thoughts that tinged my pre-holiday fantasies. Thoughts that always tinge my pre-holiday fantasies. Thoughts that tinge most of my pre-anything fantasies.

I'm detecting a pattern...

One that, upon closer scrutiny, ALWAYS turns out to be a flimsy, vaporous thought.

As I look back on it, the way things unfolded are the way they always unfold - smoothly, and just as they should, with me proving to be not as significant or as odd as the critical voices tell me that I am beforehand.

So, what's the big, effin' deal, man?
Why all the drama?

I'm really getting bored with feeling anxious anticipating being around family (or anyone, honestly) - because that's all it is: the anticipation (the actual participating always leaves me glad I went) - and all anticipation is only thought, projecting an imaginary future.

So this particular mental charade has been seen through, I've gotta say. There is just no evidence, after experience after experience with my family, that the things I fear will happen in these instances ever really happen. So, let's be done with this. This shit is so 2005.




3 comments:

  1. It is a priviledge to watch you, through your words,emerge like a butterfly from a cacoon.

    Be done with it man.

    I do the same thing, btw. I find gatherings jarring but go anyhow.

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