Tuesday, December 21, 2010

what this party's about

It's said that when a person does a kind deed and then goes and talks about it afterward, it's purity is somewhat lost. And I agree with that. Performing a loving act, and then letting the ego shout out to the world how wonderful and generous it is, kind of negates the original beauty that inspired the action in the first place.

With that acknowledged, I'm going to go ahead anyway and discuss something that happened to me this morning. Not as a declaration of how great I am, but just to share the kind of joy that the Universe made me privy to - and what it means to me.

In an unusual trip out of the house, I went with my aunt to run some errands. (As a humorous aside - at least it was funny to me - it's been so long since I've gone anywhere that requires shoes, for a moment there, I actually forgot where I put them.) It was so warm and the weather was so nice, I just wanted to be out and about. A little nervous, I set out with the intention to see Goodness in everyone and everything that I encountered. I announced (to myself, to God, to whomever was listening) that just because the past has had me awkward, and that just because my social skills are out of tune, my right-now experience doesn't have to - and won't necessarily - be the same. I decided that I'd go out around people and not psych myself out, imagining the thoughts in other people's heads. I decided that I would remain present and allow Reality to flow as it would, trusting that it would all be fine. And guess what!...

No, seriously....guess what....

It was!

It was more than fine! And I don't know what it was about this morning, other than my simple decision (which hardly seems like something I can take credit for), but I was just so excited and glad to be in the sunshine and to feel the warm breeze, to watch the people in line at the post office standing patiently or not so much, and checking their packages, shopping for shipping boxes, exchanging small pleasantries, and feeling the breeze of the ceiling fans, hearing the radio they had playing, softly and with static. I appreciated waiting in line at the bank and noticing the ornaments and Christmas greenery lining the long, glass teller window. I was thankful for the money I received that I put in my wallet. I enjoyed the light and easy conversation I had with my aunt. I was heartened by, and maybe even proud of, my conscious desire to be out in public once more, practicing and noticing the Okay-ness of it all.

As I was sitting in the car waiting for my aunt, I was watching thoughts as they surfaced in my mind. I was sitting with myself, being there, very aware of my connection to All There Is. I was thinking of ways that I could send this abundant, expansive feeling to someone else. It felt like it was pouring out of me and I wanted to direct it somehow. I thought of the money in my pocket and as I did, I noticed a lady, maybe a few years older than me, getting out of her car across the parking lot. Watching her as she walked toward the store, I felt inspired to give her one of the $20 bills I had. It's hard to describe how I felt when I saw the back of her head. She seemed familiar to me, like she was just who I was looking for, just like we'd had an appointment for right at that time, and that I was supposed to have known it was her by noticing her particular head of hair. Of course, I hesitated. She walked past the cars and out of my view. I sat there for a few moments, but I knew in my gut that I was meant to get out of the car, follow her in to the store, and hand her that money. The impulse was just that strong. I tried to sit there and rationalize my trepidation, but I was like, "Dude, you know how God speaks. You know all about the supremacy of inner guidance. You know that money is just energy and that it's meant to move in all directions. You know that you've nothing to be afraid of. Strangers are strangers on one level, but on another they are all your brothers and sisters. They are YOU. Are you really gonna sit here like a sucker and act like you don't know who you are and what you're all about? THIS is God moving. THIS is why you are alive. So go live! Act as the divine soul that you know you are - and that you know she is. Act like the man you want to be. Go live!...NOW!"

So I did.

I got out of the car, started walking towards the store, and then I noticed that the woman was still standing alone out front, texting or something on her phone. When I saw that she was still standing there, it just reconfirmed for me that she was the One. As I got closer, she started to walk inside and I called from behind her, "Excuse me." She turned around and I held out the money and said something like, "Hi. Would you like this?" At first she looked at me so suspiciously! She said..."Umm...whhhyy?" I just smiled and told her that I thought she might like to have it. She smiled and said, "Don't you need it?" I said, "No, I really wanted you to have it." We both sort of laughed. She could tell that I was sincere and she took it and said, "Thank you." I nodded and smiled and began to walk away. She called out again, more emphatically this time, "Thank you." At that point, though, I just wanted to run back to the car as fast as possible before I had to engage with her - or anyone! - further. I walked slowly, though, and in the direction away from my aunt's car, then darted back in the right direction once I was behind vehicles and knew that I was invisible to her.

I can still see the expression on her face. She seemed genuinely grateful. And touched. And that touched me and made me grateful. This was a special morning for me.

Number one, the Universe spoke to me powerfully and I listened - and beauty followed. That's huge. And I intend to act on my soul's impulses more often, and to even actively seek them out, without waiting willy-nilly for them to just show up. I can feel the difference between inner guidance and simple thoughts. The soul's language is on a totally different level, and I really get that. This experience gave me a wonderful demonstration of the connection that's possible and what happens when I purposely bask in it.

Number two, it gave me a reminder, something to consider the next time I balk at having to interact with people I do not know. There are angels among us. What's an angel? A person that consciously allows God to move through them in the moment. Only blessings can occur in their presence. I'm no saint; I'm vain, selfish, and I do dumb, crappy things sometimes. But I don't think that I'm a bad person. I believe in the goodness of my heart - and I saw today that I am capable of reaching out to someone else. Which just goes to show that if I can, and am willing to, be used, then others must be too. We aren't alone in this; there really is nothing to be afraid of. Only thoughts make the world scary and overwhelming.

I know that it was just standing in a line at the post office. I know that it was only $20 given in some parking lot. I didn't buy someone a house or a car. I didn't cure anyone of any diseases. I didn't climb a mountain. And in the grand scheme of things, this little episode might not mean much. But this is what leads me to believe that it does, that this morning was significant: the present is all we ever have. Our lives are NOW. God/Source Energy/Tao moves through us NOW. Our power, potential, and light are only accessible to us now. And right now, I'm not a millionaire, and I'm not a courageous, ambitious, humanitarian activist guy, or a soldier - but this morning, in those moments, I chose to do what I could do and to give what I could give - from where I am. With a smile no less! And to me, that is all this party's about.

3 comments:

  1. What can I say? Breathtaking! There is so much going on here....so much you embraced, simultaneously, in a single moment: open-heartedness, spontaneity, generosity, risk, selflessness. The guy doesn't leave his house forever and bam! You didn't just stick your toe in the water, you dove right in!

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  2. Intent is everything. Not one wisp of giving was altered in the telling of this, because dearest heart, this was sharing. The joy you were given by putting yourself in a place where you could give can't be diminished.

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  3. That means a lot to me. Thank you so much!

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