I think I've finally turned a corner. I've begun to move again; I'm exercising! Most importantly: I'm loving it and it's becoming natural again. But I have to admit that it happened quite by accident. Better yet, I'll call it Grace.
The other day as I was about to take a shower, I opened my iTunes, set it to shuffle, and turned up the speakers like I always do. My bedroom is connected to the bathroom, so with the door between them open, I'm able to hear the music pretty well. Anyway, as I was getting undressed and waiting for the water to warm up, John Mellencamp's "Cherry Bomb" started playing. Just standing there, I began to bob my head in the bathroom mirror. I started moving my shoulders, I swung my hips, and before I knew it, I was dancing all around my bedroom. I watched myself in the not-quite full length mirror and I burst out laughing at what a sight I was. I laughed and I danced. And I watched my flab bounce around.
Like a hawk, I expectantly watched for self-hatred - but could find none. Just laughter.
Watching my reflection in the mirror - a vision polar opposite of what I'd like to see - I knew that it's my inherent sexiness that I'm really about. That is Who I Really Am. Which is why I couldn't find any judgment, the image only a temporary dream. And that is what makes me dance and compels me to keep inching beyond where I think I am in any moment. Who I Really Am is something that will never be found in any mirror - even when I eventually sport my six-pack. That, too, will only be a dream. It's that sexiness and inner power already present that push me to sweat and keep going when it's physically a struggle.
Because it won't always be this way.
And Who I Really Am knows that.
The thrill of it.
With a little imagination, you can witness a re-enactment below.