Wednesday, July 14, 2010

the loving and leaving-be of lies

Strangely, I've been made witness to many people's lies lately. Either I hear about them second hand through people I know, about people that I don't, or by accidentally discovering something that someone in my orbit is keeping from someone else nearby. There are a few scenarios that have happened and it's interesting, because none of these deceptions have anything directly to do with me - but I've inadvertently come to know about them.

I come to know the secrets of other people. And every single time, I keep them. Unless someone's life is in danger, of course. But otherwise, I keep my mouth shut. I never gossip. I don't let on that I know what I know,  because it's really no one's business. I look at the lies I've told in the past and I can understand why people keep hidden certain things. It could never be my place to drag in to the light something that someone isn't ready to share or let go of.

Do we all honestly believe that if everyone comes to know our awful little secrets that we'll be forever shamed, ostracized, never again loved? Is it so terrible to be seen as imperfect? Does it really make that much difference if we let others really see us, the ugliness and fallibility that we're capable of? Some of these deceptions that I've recently heard about almost seem cute to me, the heartbreaking smallness of them. Personalities are so vain and fretful. I want to approach the people involved and tell them not to worry. I want to tell them they have nothing to be afraid of, that they're loved. And while I only half-seriously judge their fears as seeming small, I can understand how they'd feel big to the person carrying them. We all have our unique, troublesome stories. We all have things we're ashamed of or regret. I have lies that I've told that make me nervous and sick to my stomach to think about, things I could despise myself for were I not careful.

And that's why I've made the decision to be as transparent as I possibly can stand to be. I hardly ever lie anymore. I don't want to be a fraud. I don't want to hide my mistakes or cluelessness. I want to live with integrity - because the opposite feels miserable, I know this. Back in the day, I used to lie for attention. I never trusted the truth to take care of me, that it would be enough. And while that's a long-dead habit, every now and then if I'm afraid of being judged about something, I can easily see myself telling a little white lie to keep myself from having to feel whatever I fear may happen...and I'm working on it. I like to think that in the same way that I was able to set down the foolishness of attention-grabbing theatrics, I'll one day, as I grow wiser and less afraid, be able to set down the seeming need to lie in the escaping of judgment. After all, it's our own inner judgments that have us running scared, and no one else's. I'm very clear about that.

So, when I happen to find out that someone is lying to whomever and for whatever reason, I can understand. I can see that if they trusted another way of doing things, they'd give themselves to it. I can see that they're someone dealing with life the best way they know how. I can see that they are someone simply believing their thoughts and acting accordingly. I can see that they are someone no better and no worse than me.

3 comments:

  1. I keep coming back to this post and reading it over and over again. I can't quite figure out what I want to say in my comment here, but I wanted you to know it touched me deeply, and I resonate with it, and I'm so grateful to know you and your beautiful mind.
    :)

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  2. "I want to tell them they have nothing to be afraid of, that they're loved."

    That's what everyone deserves to hear, what everyone is craving. You bless them with this thought. I so love the image of this thought form traveling from your mind and enveloping the person in whatever sort of physical energy display is the most pleasant--pink light, a rainbow, whatever--and transforming them a little bit each time without their conscious awareness.

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