This physical fatigue has served me well, the discomfort of my overweight body. As has the cowering behind doors and lack of financial independence. The directionless-ness that I've felt, the seeming lack of purpose. The loveless, lustless sex. The looking in the mirror and feeling sorry. The staying inside, keeping from the breeze, keeping scarce from friends and experiences that I cherish and look forward to. The willingness to settle for less. The chronic refusal to reach for something wiser.
Every tear, fear, and hesitation has served its function. The contrast has provided me with an exquisite basis for defining myself anew. The weariness, a necessary prod.
The discontent has gone, and left in it's place, a vast pool of possibility. Now that I'm committed to moving beyond what I don't want to experience, it's time to shift my gaze to what I do want my life to be about. A resplendent sky of "Now what?" opens up, inviting me upward, demanding answers.
And this is what I tell that sky:
From now on, my alignment with Higher Self is my number one priority. Joy, my only occupation. From now on, I'll look only to my emotions for guidance - and listen to what they have to say. I trust that the Universe speaks to me through my feelings, and that positive emotion lets me know that I am right on track. Anything short of a "Hell yes!" will not be enough to move me in any one direction. From now on, my only goal is to remember who I am at my core - the present, still, Awareness underneath, and beyond, the egoic stream of thought. That place, my true nature, is Peace. Therefore, I can know that anytime I am experiencing anything other than peace, it's because I've stepped in to maya, and am no longer seeing through the eyes of Source. Negative thoughts will no longer be allowed free reign. A joyful life simply can't afford them. I will inquire in to their merit and consciously decide what thoughts do and do not serve me. From now on, my life is to be lived in the Now - which doesn't mean that I can't plan for the future, but I will not obsess over it and get lost there. From now on, I will give up my useless, fictitious control. I'll only focus on my worldly action steps to the extent that I can ponder them and maintain my good time. From now on, I'm going to have fun with all of it - because I've not been letting myself have enough fun, and Life is too precious (and as far as this physical lifetime is concerned, too short) for anything less than light and rapture.
I don't expect never to feel blue again. I'm not expecting unwavering bliss. I just want to be a clear vessel, that's all. It's just a matter of being more mindful, and of being less lazy with what I allow to take root inside me. My alignment is the important thing - and everything else that I hope to change and improve will take care of themselves with inspiration, in time.