Monday, May 31, 2010

divine discontent

I am so remarkably lazy, in body and mind, both, that I can't stand it anymore. I allow what-has-been to continue operating in my life, as if these tired patterns of thought and behavior were actually getting me somewhere, as if they were actually welcome here, or believed to be beneficial. They aren't. Not that one could tell by looking at me...

I've let the mind run amok; that's all there is to it. Again and again, I sit idly by as these self-defeating thoughts enter my consciousness and take up residence. I've let them take root; their poison blooms. I fail to question their validity. Foolishly, and arrogantly, I think that I know better. I brush them aside with a wave of the hand and say, "Of course these negative thoughts aren't true. I've read the books; I know the teachings, please. It's just a story. Got it." I say this, and move on, without taking the time to genuinely inquire. But all the intellectual understanding in the world is useless if I won't live it. All the wisdom in the world is useless if it's not practiced; indeed, it's not wisdom at all then; it's merely a collection of mental concepts.

Not taking the time to tend to my thoughts - and therefore my Joy - has only led to suffering. I've ignored Abraham's Vortex; I've passed up the genius of Byron Katie's work, sloppily inattentive to my alignment with Source. I've been lazy with my thoughts and the shoddy results in many aspects of my life are proof of that.

I've trashed and weakened my body in the process. My dreams have fallen by the wayside. My best, healthiest self - and all that he would live - has been betrayed for what is normal and familiar, no matter how insane. It's time to get real. It's time to treat myself with love, the way I would anyone else that I care about. I'm tired of Life inviting me forward, and me refusing to go.

I'm pissed off and ashamed about what I've let happen...again.
I'm uncomfortable and it's hard to breathe.
And enough is enough! I've had it!

Which is just what I've been waiting for.
This blessed, blessed fury!

Now I can get somewhere.

2 comments:

  1. blessed fury, indeed. and there's no way to make it happen one minute sooner -- no way to speed up the reaching of critical mass. and Jeff, I am glad you are my friend regardless of whether you inquire, get in the vortex, or any of that. I appreciate you exactly as you are in each moment.

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  2. Thank you, Karen. Those little words don't really do my gratitude justice - but thank you, my friend. I must be in the Vortex more often than not, yes? Because here you are! =)

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