Tuesday, January 19, 2010

from one jackass to another

I "met" this dude on a chat line. He sent me a voice message, introducing himself, and I sent him one back. I didn't hear from him after a text message or two, so I left him another message thinking that maybe my texts didn't go through, which sometimes happens. He responded with an email, telling me that if this is going to be a "why isn't he calling me" type of thing, then he was going to pass, among other things. I have been clingy before in my life, I admit it, but this was definitely not a case of that. He totally misread my intentions, and after maybe a week of stewing over his exaggerated blow-off, I sent him this email as a way of making myself feel better - and it actually ended up helping. I suppose I overreacted, but something about the situation just got to me. It just struck me as unfair and I felt the need to whine about it for awhile before I let it go.

Here was my relief:

You know what? The more I've thought about you and your email, the more pissed off I've gotten.

I've been through some stuff - and this is the first time in a long time that I've actually reached out to get to know people. And now, thanks to your jackass email, I find myself second guessing how to respond to the people that I'm meeting. I find myself wondering how much I should open up. I'm too self-conscious to begin with, and now I wonder if any innocent little thing I say is going to end up with them blowing me off because they misinterpret my intentions, or deem me "unenticing," dismissing me as unworthy at the drop of a hat.

If I had more of a life, this wouldn't have bothered me. If I weren't lonely or had more confidence, I wouldn't give a damn what some arrogant stranger thought. I know this is my problem; I know that all you did was stir up my preexisting insecurities. And I know that ultimately, it's my responsibility how I deal with things. But when you've managed to dig yourself in to a hole and life becomes overwhelming at best, it takes practice to deal with things suavely. It takes courage to get out there. And you certainly didn't make that easier.

I was just a passing thought to you, I know. You forgot me the moment you deleted my last email. It's just a chat line, right? But not to me.

You won't write me back, I know that - and trust me, I don't want you to. This is strictly to make me feel better. So, just delete this one, too, and laugh. Tell your friends about the crazy guy you met on the line who became obsessed with you. LOL! I'll be that for you.

And for me, you'll be the reminder that not all guys out there will get to know who I really am and won't even care - and I'll miss out on getting to know them, too. And sometimes I'll care and sometimes I won't. You'll be my reminder that I can feel like a loser - and then get past it. You'll be my reminder that getting to know people and venturing out in to the world, even little by little, isn't going to be easy. You'll be my reminder that I don't have as steady footing as I at times like to think I do - but I will one day; it is going to get easier; I am getting there. This minuscule thing with you, even this email, was a stumble. But just a stumble - and now I'm gonna pick my ass up and get on with it.

Gotta keep up the pace.

I bet you didn't realize you'd given me so much.
I hadn't either until now.

So, thank you.
Thanks, man.
For "nothing."

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