Saturday, October 24, 2009

hmmm

The past several days I have been really fighting with myself over this medical transcription stuff. As I spend my time studying and going through all the exercises - and getting most of them wrong a majority of the time - I wonder what I'm doing. I doubt my motivations. I doubt my reasons to keep going. I doubt everything and I start to internally kick my ass.

"Suck it up, loser."
"Stupid wuss, get over it."
"Just do it already."

I can hear these said. I'm the one saying them. I watch my mind conjure up all the images that support my "wrongness." I see the images of my being a 60-year old man, alone under a bridge, without even a cardboard box for shelter. I see people laughing at and criticizing me for my childishness. I see myself as a fish dropped on to land, flopping about - totally out of place, totally unequipped.

I curse myself for believing that I'd finish something whether I wanted to or not. I curse myself for believing that I might have a handle on something this time, and that the enjoying of it would last. I desperately search for justifications to quit. I immediately look for solutions - a new plan, a new endeavor. Anything but this, anything but now. And the horrific thing of it all is that I'm the one that could put an end to all of it.

Is that true?
I don't know.

Willpower! Yoo-hoo!
Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Is this just what I am this lifetime?
Am I just a big fat flake?

Is it wise to force myself to do something, kicking and screaming?
I don't know - but I would say it isn't.

I would say the trouble is that in believing that I should make myself - when I'm not - is to make myself suffer. Judgments swirl around inside me and it causes no small amount of pain.

I just don't know.
But for now - that's the way it is.
So, maybe I'll just poke around in this discomfort for awhile.
I'll let it breathe. I'll see what it's about. I'll dive in!
What other choice do I have?

Yes! I just caught the wisdom in that!
I'll let the discomfort and the fear tell me.
I'll listen instead of trying to "fix it" and escape.


Hmmm....



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