Thursday, October 1, 2009

a birthday prayer

Today is his birthday, you know.

It's gonna be etched in my mind for the rest of my life. I'll be thinking of that bastard every year on this day for the rest of my life.

I don't doubt you know the Way; I don't question your benevolence. But please make this easier. Please help me let him go.

Because right now, I am so mad at him that it hurts; it weighs on me. Months after he disappears, it still creeps up on me, even now, after I thought I'd accepted things. I'm mad at him for his fucking indifference, for being so manipulative and cold. I'm mad at him for leaving like that and for wanting to leave at all.

I want to tell him how much I hate him. I want to tell him how cruel he is and how he is the worst kind of asshole in the world - the kind who falsely poses as a friend. I want to call him and cry, to tell him how's he hurt me and how I feel betrayed. I want to punch him in his fucking mouth.

But I can't. I won't do that because I know that as much as it may hurt, ultimately, it's not about him. He's free to live his life and I truly don't want to rob him of that. I understand that he's done nothing wrong and that it's me having the tantrum.

Right now, though, that knowledge doesn't help. I'm mad at you, too. I'm fucking pissed off that I'm having to go through this again with someone else I care about. I'm mad that I'd cry another goddamn tear in his name. I'm mad that I'm still haunted by him after all this time. I'm mad that I'm in this mental hell with these crazy thoughts and that I would dare indulge them! I know better, goddamn it!

I know better.

What I want, what I'm asking from you is Peace. I'm asking for you to help me feel in an experiential way what I logically know. I know that all is well. I know that connections made are never broken. I know that my soul and his are eternal friends - and that eventually, this will bring me comfort.

But until then, I need your help.

Help me to send him on his way with love. Help me to want Love for him as much as I want it for myself. Help me to ease out of these stories I've imprisoned myself with. Help me to imagine his face with a smile on it - and to let that bring me joy. Help me to wish him nothing but adventures and love in his life.

Thank you for allowing me the presence of mind to know that I've not been seeing things clearly. Thank you for the time I had with this person. Thank you for having it stir up so much shit in me that I would turn to you and search for Love as an answer.

Be with him as he blows out his candles.
I mean that.

But please be with me, too.


  1. bless your open and beautiful heart, my friend. I am so touched by your honesty and transparency.

  2. Karen, that means so much to me, thank you.

    I was listening to Joel Osteen this morning and he suggested that any kind of loss, pain, or upheaval isn't about an ending, but a matter of being pruned for something even better - a new blossoming, much greater than we could imagine. And I guess this is just one of those examples. It's a beautiful message, isn't it?

    Thank you again!

  3. ohh, pruning. how great is that? it's the perfect image. very satisfying!