Monday, July 27, 2009

easing in to knowing nothing

They say that a man is only as good as his word – and if that’s the case, then as a man, I’m not worth much.

I don’t believe that, not really. Because when what I say and what I do end up not matching – which does happen a lot – it’s not because of deception or thoughtless rambling on my part. It’s simply because I end up feeling differently or seeing things in a different way than I did at first, and that compels me to then change my course of action.

From the time I was 13 and dying my hair for the first time, I have been trying things on, making alterations, and jumping from here to there and back again, maybe not always giving things a fair shot. It’s a part of life for everybody, changing things around. It just seems like it’s a little more pronounced in me. My lack of direction often has embarrassed me and made me feel like a flake. I have a job and then I don’t; I am enrolled in school and then I’m not; I feel a philosophy then cast it aside; I live somewhere then move away. I’ve never felt compelled to keep moving in one direction for any significant amount of time.

Since returning from Florida, I’ve been thinking about this stuff again. Even though I know I made the right decision, I somehow feel cheated out of something so new and shiny. I’d been so close. I had palm trees that I loved all around me that told me so. But still, I knew better than to stay.

I know better now than to think I know my future - even my tomorrow.

I know better than to make promises.

I know better than to pretend I know more than I do.

When I speak of what is true for me – whether it is an opinion, my feelings, or some goal I may have in mind – I need to remember to keep it in its proper perspective. It doesn’t have to be that big of a deal. It doesn’t have to be the truth – and it couldn’t be, anyway. I need to remember everyone changes course, that truth is fluid. There is no need to judge myself when my definitions of “right for me” change.

I need to remember that outside of this moment, my word – if clung to as some constant, reliable self-definition – is worthless. No promises. No expectations.

I don’t know what I’m doing. Why am I having such a hard time accepting the not-knowing?

I am an eternal being. It’s all good; I know this. As Abraham reminds me, I can never get it wrong and I can never get it done. I can never get it wrong because I never get it done. That tells me that a choice is just a choice. There are no mistakes, no “rights” or “wrongs” – only courses of action, taken or not.

It's a process and I don't need to know every freakin' detail.

I really don't.

That is all I need to know.

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