Saturday, July 11, 2009

back at the beginning

Tampa didn’t take.

Here I am, back in Dallas, sitting in my grandmother’s living room.

Right back where I started, before my two day return to Tampa Bay.

I’m honestly a bit disappointed that things didn’t work out the way I expected them to. And I realize that’s my problem – that I had expectation. I knew that it would be unnerving and I knew that I had no idea what I was getting myself in to; that is exactly what I was going for, in fact. The thing is, I chose someone that, on first meeting, I knew wasn’t the right match for me. I met with four potential roommates on my first visit and I liked all of them. But for one reason or another, they didn’t seem right; perhaps just a karmic knowing – because there really is no other logical reason. And so I chose the person that was least not right – and that’s not good enough for me, and I knew that. And I did it, anyway.

When someone is sad and desperate and not knowing what to do, it can be the worst kind of hell. I understand and feel compassion for that. When someone needs someone to listen to or to bounce ideas off of, or just someone to believe in them, I do. I’m there. Nothing makes me happier. I believe in change and the great potential that people have. I’m interested in celebrating the good there is and the good that can be. I want to surround myself with people who can see what is sometimes invisible, but trust in it, anyway; not those who lament what has gone wrong and then seek to justify their sadness, continuing to let it define who they are. I want to be around people who cherish their hope and who have gratitude for their Now. I seek that kind of fire inside of people, because it spreads - and that is something that I want to cultivate and keep alive in me.

This man didn’t seem ready to allow that fire. He was a genuinely nice guy. Lonely, I think. Looking for someone/thing to fill a hole in his life – but genuinely friendly. The smell of his apartment and the funereal cave that his home felt like to me, was too dark, too confining - and his attitude seemed to match.

I don’t begrudge him his feelings. It is SO hard to see your way out of pain, sometimes. I didn’t expect him to change and I am not implying that he is wrong or that it’s bad. It is what it is. He feels and lives how he feels and lives, just as anyone should. I just didn’t want to be around it.

While riding around the city with him, I got to get a better sense of the place – and even that didn’t feel right. And when I was trailing behind him in the grocery store, watching him as he studied canned soups and as he carefully chose his paper towels, I knew I had to go. He did nothing wrong. Tampa did nothing wrong - but it wasn't right, either.

With so little money, I was short on options.

And so here I am…again.

For now.

I will remember my little visits to Tampa and this guy, fondly, for sure – but I can’t say that they’ll be missed.

Now, what's next? That's the question. Though I feel disappointed, I am confident that I made the right decision. What matters is that I keep the same attitude. The same spirit, different path. Whatever path that will be.

No comments:

Post a Comment