Tuesday, June 30, 2009

love letter

Dear “!!!,”

I know you know I’m out here. And I also know, that just like me, knowing that fact makes all the difference in the world.

You will not believe the things I’ve seen and done while looking for you. I thought I saw you in the eyes and faces of so many other people. I talked myself in to spending time with guys I didn’t really care about, hoping I was wrong and that you were there. I let myself be so easily convinced that it was you! When I would watch them chew or laugh at their jokes, I would often believe that I was spending time with you. I got desperate, babe. I was so quick to settle, to give myself away. When I tell you all of this, you are going to laugh! I can see it now. You’ll take my hand and kiss it, hug me, and say “There, there” or something like that, and in your sweet, honest, smart-assy way, you’ll tell me it’s all good. And you’ll laugh at me for being such a drama queen.

I cannot wait to hear what you’ve been up to since the last time we were together! Every bout of laughter, every tear and mistake, I want to hear about. I want to show you what I’ve come to know and who I’ve come to be. I want to tell you about the ones that I mistook for you – and how well they took care of me; how well they gave.

I always wonder how you’re going to show up this time, too. Will you be blonde and reticent? Asian and unpredictable? Generous, with greasy hair? It doesn’t matter, really, but it’s fun to think about.

I miss being close to you! The making out; the making love. I want to hold your hand and feel your breath. It’s little things, too, like going together to the grocery store, to the movies, and to play bingo. I look forward to wrapping you a birthday gift or writing you a poem. I look forward to arguing with you and the sloppy way we'll disagree. I look forward to your song on the radio and the smell of your cologne. I need you here to bust my ass, and to help keep me honest, and to keep me on my toes. The way we bring out each other’s light: it’s miraculous.

I promise not to settle. Or to be in a hurry, to doubt, or to look outside myself – even after you’ve arrived. And I insist you do the same.

We’ll find each other just in time; at the perfect time and in the perfect way – like we always do - once Life has caused us to be just what we needed to become on our own. Then we’ll do our dance and be on our way again. Don't worry, man: we got this.

In the meantime, baby, just have fun – and I will, too. Screw up a lot, explore a lot, and learn a lot. Be miserable; find ecstasy. Laugh and cry as much as you can.

I want to hear all about it!

Until then…

I love you.

Jeff

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