Wednesday, April 1, 2009

not this, not this

I hesitate to write about this, and yet, I feel compelled to - even if just as a reminder for myself in the future. This afternoon, for the second time this week, I've had a powerful experience and I'm inspired to write about it, knowing good and well that I'll fail to express the enormity of it.

I believe it was Eckhart Tolle that I've heard use the quote, "The finger pointing to the moon is not the moon." And that illustrates perfectly the fact that while words can point you to the truth of something, by themselves, they're wholly incapable of demonstrating the actual reality of that something. They are merely symbols; shabby little things compared to what is real; that only succeed in limiting that to which they point. Words are powerful; they are extraordinarily useful; they are simply lacking. But lacking or not, I still love trying to use them!

So, here is me trying:

The first time, I was sitting in a chair in the living room. The second time, earlier today, I was sitting in a chair out in the sun. Both times, I was quiet and sitting still. I sat there with the only intention of being present. I knew that as I simply sat there and breathed, the Universe was unfolding just as it should, wonderfully and perfectly AS and THROUGH me - and everything and everyone else. I sat, knowing that at my deepest core, that Source from which everything else flows, is who "I/Jeff" really am - just as everything and everyone else is. We are all manifestations of that Source. I could honestly feel the oneness. It was as God (I/we) was pure, invisible, infinite, indescribable Awareness - and everything else that could be perceived was simply a manifestation - one big blanket of changing, fading forms on top of that which truly Is.

An uncontrollable smile formed and I laughed. I began to tingle. My legs began to tremble, as with a powerful orgasm. I observed what was happening and tried not to judge it. I observed myself observing myself trying not to judge it. "This feels so good! What the hell is happening? What does this mean? Is this my kundalini rising? Is this enlightenment?" These thoughts flew by. I watched as my ego began to spin tales of what this meant for "Jeff." But I could see it for the passing phenomena that it was; so, quickly, I knew not to pay too much mind to those pleasant sensations, as nice as they were.

Both times, I simply sat and observed everything that I was perceiving and I was able to see it all for what it was: the physical sensations; my butt on the cushion and how I was being supported, my arms lying where they were, the breeze against my skin, the sirens, the traffic, the birds chirping, the beads of perspiration starting to form due to the sun's heat. I observed my thoughts come and go. I observed each perception and I realized that anything I can perceive is not who I am. I am the perceiver - or perhaps even beyond that. In fact, I'm pretty sure. The chirping of the birds, the sirens that keep passing by - they arise from silence and disappear in to the silence. That orgasmic feeling came and eventually faded. Good mood, bad mood. Birth, death. I recognized that whatever it was I was aware of had a beginning and an end - and therefore was NOT who I really am. I am the awareness itself. I recognize that to be God.

And please understand that I am not talking about the "Jeff" personality or any other human personality. The human ego is a cunning, flawed little beast and its whole trip is conflict and separation - and I'm not speaking about that. I'm speaking of the God that is within us at our core that can't even be touched by our mortal minds, let alone be used for our ego's purposes.

Again, it's beyond words. I came to experience the meaning of the Hindu phrase, "neti neti," which means, "not this, not this." If you are looking for God, It is "neti neti" - which to me, means that God is not there and not that, because if you can describe it with a concept, you've already lost its essence. Thus, the only way you can "describe" or "know" God is through describing what It is not - neti neti - because Its true nature is beyond our intellect.

I know this might sound weird and abstract, but it was very, very simple. It was simple but very profound. They were short moments of grace where I was able to experience myself in a much greater way.

I intend to practice that more often. Sitting with the intention of being present. "I" am on to something.

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